time for tmi!

I can't believe I have to be back at work in 2 hours. Blargh. (btw recent conversations have dicated that "blargh" is not what a pirate would say..it is what a space pirate would say).

Anyway I appreciate everyone's comments. I also appreciate the congratulations on not purging in any form. Which leads me to story time.

Ahem.

When I was 8 (back in the kickass 90's) I had this outfit. I was all purple. And it was made up of a cheap walmart-like sweater, stretchy pants, high rise purple socks, and some shoes..which I hope weren't purple. Anyway, it was June, and I know it was June because it was year-book signing day. And we were all walking around the room and the end of the day asking people to sign our year-book..you know KITS and HAGS and call me! So I ask this girl..Kaitlin..I remember it exactly. And I hopped up onto her desk and she was sitting on mine and when I sat my legs expanded. It was like Moses had put his staff down and the flood waters of my Nile-like legs were collapsing upon themselves and they were everywhere oh god they were so there, so present, so much of me! Kaitlin's legs didn't do that. There was something wrong with me. Granted I was 8 and 4'8 and weighed all of 75lbs but I was not that into numbers or height yet. But dieting began. Then a few years later came middle school. In gym class on the first day they would weigh us in front of everyone so they could keep track for the Presidential Fitness test. I swear to god I was the only girl who was 100lbs. 5feet tall, 100lbs. I hated me even more...the dieting worsened. 7th grade...the depression began. I had no friends and because of it was a bitch...defense mechanism an' all. 8th grade...did a photo shoot for a modeling book...the lady loved my legs...I told her I had hip problems...she said what kind...I said they were too big...5'7..110lbs. High school...depression worsened..art got better..cutting started..I gained. So I starved..and purged and cut and starved and purged and cut and starved and purged and cut and starved and purge and wanted to die and tried to die and was locked up. Got out..gained weight...lots of weight....and then the worse thing of all...the summer after I gained I was standing in gym..waiting to be weighed..again...and I was just standing..being fat and this girl that I hated came up to me and said wow I'm so glad you gained weight, last year you looked so anorexic in that play (lead role in musical led to very small and see-through costumes). She said that while I was standing next to the other girl I knew who had just gotten back from an 7month inpatient ED treatment center. Our eyes welled..she took a bite of her tuna fish sandwich and recovered...I bought laxatives....3 years...3 goddamn years of swallowing whole boxes of laxitives at a time...and it hurt it hurt so bad and it screwed up my insides till I couldn't keep anything down. It hurt and was bad and I was with bad people and I was a bad person...so I changed...I ate..and gained..and really just tried...tried really really hard...and it felt like it was working....but that voice is still in my head..and I'm still too aware of my size and I can't stand the feel of my own body but I will never ever ever purge or take a laxative ever ever ever again because I refuse to be that girl ever ever again.

So yes. I appreciate everyone's support, but I will always resist that urge because that is one piece of me that will never live again. End of story.

Anyway....if you can believe it..that was not the tmi...this is

So this morning I'm 139.5...again. fml. But then I realized wow I haven't gone #2 in a week..and not like a wow I feel like the days are going slow and it feels like a week but it's been 2 days..no I mean a real week...last Monday to be exact and it is now Sunday. So I'll take 139.5 because I have all this shit (bahahah play on words) just chillin out in my tummy. So I've eaten in attempt to go because I probably don't have even in me for it to come out. But I need too because..and this is the gross tmi part. Okay so tomorrow I'm going to AC and plan on being drunk all night..but then in the morning I get what boy's sister calls the DADS...ahem...the day after drinking shits...it's terrible and yea I'm being gross but I don't throw up from drinking...instead I end up running back and forth to the bathroom with a hangover and an upset bumbum. Anyway the point is that I need to find some way to make me go..today...because I can't tuesday morning because the hotel kicks you out at 1130 and I refuse to be driving with boy and make him pull over every 4 seconds so I can run out and find a bathroom to be gross for large amounts of time. Blegh..life.

I refuse to move until work today. I will not. My legs aren't working, my ankles are bent the wrong way, and my hips are outside of where they should be.

Ow.