Black Swan and a Kitten calendar

Okay, thanks guys I sort of freaked out this morning. It was just a wtf moment. But it passed and I went to the gym and gave the skinny bitches the evil eye and I came home 1.5lbs lighter so it must be water weight and I do have my period so that's probably it. But today was okay. I've only eaten a few peices of candy and I had a bite of pineapple and like two sips of gateorade. Not terrible. I'm okay with that. And boy is so nice. I spent all day with him and you know I must not be skinny because he's okay with me losing weight even if he says I don't need it, but if I really didn't need it he'd be more adamant about it. So yea. We saw Black Swan. I liked it. I'd give it like a B+/A-. Boy hated it. Said it reminded him of being dragged to all his sisters dance stuff. I've officially added 'train to be a ballerina' to my list of things to do before I die. Just the total control and the movement, it's beautiful. Plus ballerina's have banging bodies. So yea, that's on my list now.

So is winning the lottery but the stupid page won't load so I have no idea if I've won anything which would be super awesome. Almost as awesome as the new calendar I bought that is full of kittens, like a kitten a day. I know, obsessive and weird but w.e I'll just be a crazy cat lady.

So hopefully the shift I picked up for tomorrow will get approved and I can work a double and attempt to not eat at all while at the resturant. Then I'll be nice and skinny for AC next week. Hitting up Murmur. After new years eve my brain was just like "oh, wait, dancing burns a ton of frickin calories...I should do this more often" so yes, clubbing is something I should do everyweek, especially if I don't have class till 7pm of Wed, then I can go to dusk every thursday!.

Whoo. Ramble.

Anyway, Natalie Portman is officially a new thinspo of mine. Her arms, back, and chest in this movie were fantastic. Love it.

(oh and btws: bonesarepure: watch the thinspo video!!!)

I will have a good day tomorrow. I will have a good day tomorrow. I am beautiful. I will be thin. Everything is okay.

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

I don't fucking understand. I just don't. It's not fair and I'm going to cry because my life is shit and I am the fattest fuck on the entire fucking planet. How on fucking earth can I eat so little, exercise so fucking much and still GAIN 2.5 FUCKING POUNDS! I can't. I just I don't understand and I wish there was some magical way that I could just take a fucking knife to my fucking stomach and cut it all fucking off and not bleed to death. I don't even care about bleeding to death as long as I was fucking skinny in my fucking coffin and I fucking can't. I hate everything right fucking now. And why the fuck am I dragging myself to the gym if it doesn't do anything at fucking all. This is shit. Bull fucking shit. That's it. Liquids only today and if I'm not at least 13fucking7 by Sunday then I have to return the mad expensive necklace that I've borrowed and never returned to my sister. Fucking Fuck.

NO MOM I DON'T WANT PRETZELS! DAMNIT

I do not want your chocolate dipped pretzels! I don't even like pretzels so fricking stop!!!!!

I hate you and your tight pants

I loooooooooove sleeping in. During school I'm always up ridiculously early but over break, oh god I love sleep. Anyway, gym today sooo let's see

45min Elliptical: 402cals

25min of lovely crunches: 169cals

leg lifts and kicks and butt lifts: 106cals

squats and lunges: oh...um i dont know. damn

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burned: 677+cals

Food

Jellox4: 40 cals

fattty icecream: 150cals

fatty crisps: 150cals

icky mashed potatos: 100cals

1 lone disgusting oreo: 53cals

1/2tsp honey: 30cals

1cup hot chocolate: 110cals

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total: 633cals

So I was at the gym and there is nothing I hate more than those natural twig like stupid people who come to the gym in skin tight clothing drinking a soda and they just fucking sit there on 1 or 2 machines and just do like 2 reps and they talk really loudly with their obnoxiously thin friend and they're there for like an hour but they don't do anything and then they fucking leave and I hate them. Stupid people.

Anyway, today's to do list will get done. Damnit.

1. Clean room, like really clean.----done

2. Work through all qual data and report to L

3. Find and organize at least 8 MA or Msc grad school programs.

Oh it will get done!

Thinspo time!!!!!!!

How to carry a wand?

So that HP wand I got for Christmas is awesome but it's way to big to fit in a pocket so my hopes of ultimate dorky awesomness have been dashed. Damn.

Anyway. Jello diet is going well. Had my 1 fiber bar for the day and all my jello is made and making the fridge look colorful and pretty.

Off to stare at snowboards I can't afford.

And I will clean my room today. I will.

And organize my yarn. That too.

Eaten:

Jello--10cals

Fiber1 bar-- 150cals

Jello--10cals

Jello--10cals

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180cals.

Too Tall?

Sometimes I look at other people's thinspo, pictures, and stats and I see things like HW:100 CW: 89 GW:70 and I just think "that's not fair". I'm 5'7'' and while I would love to weight 70lbs and would absolutely delight in the ability to be pushed around and picked up by the wind, my functioning brain is aware that I would probably be dead, or at least dying if I weighed 70lbs. So sometimes I feel like I'm the only person out there who isn't 5'2''. I'm sorry I'm slightly taller than you and I am so envious of everyone who feels fat at 90lbs. So I went searching for some tall skinny girls to remind me that being thin is possible and it's not just for 5'2'' people or 16year old girls. I can do it too. And seeing pictures of girls my height at the weight I used to be has made me all the more motivated because I forgot how nice I looked. So yes. All of these pictures are girls who claim to be 5'6'' or taller.

I am an old woman

Out till about 6am partying going from Bar A to my house for drinks and all the dancing. Good lord my old lady body is acting up and all my joints are inflamed and I can barley stand. But of courseI had to go to work today to make all of $37. Whoa, rollin' in the dough. Not like we spent tons of money last night or anything. Anyway, new years resolutions!

1. Lose weight.

2. Pay off credit card by June.

3. Get into graduate school

4. Learn German

5. Knit boy the hat he's wanted for 2 years.

I think it will go well.

Oh god everything hurts so frickin bad. I can't stand, can't sit, can't lay down, everything is just so painful on my body. Damn you dancing. Damn you DJ. Damn you alcohol. Ow. Fuckin ow.

On the bright side, the 6 hours of dancing I did resulted in a 4lb drop in weight. So I'm starting the new year at 140.5lbs. It's a lot but it's a start.

Today's food includes:

5 french fries: 54cals

8oz of steak: 425 cals

1.5 cups of rice: 465cals

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total: 944calories

Oh god. Oh god I did not just eat all of that. I want to die. I can't. Why am I such a fat fuck.