Breakfast: Oatmeal--- 130
Lunch: Watermelon---86x4=344 fucking calories
_______________________
474calories
And if......IF...I end up eating the strawberries that is only 514 calories.
Now...given what I weigh now...and all the fat on me 514 is an excellent number. But it makes me so sad because I used to subsist maybe on 70 cals a day. And it was so wonderful. The feeling. The power. The will to just survive without food. God it was so wonderful. But it has been a long time. And that was an old me. I don't want anorexia anymore, I want my boyfriend, and my cat, and enjoying my life...I want a glorified anorexia where I live off of a few strawberries that he feeds me, a martini with my girls, and a shared frozen yogurt that we eat together curled up on the couch. I want to magically grow 2 inches, have my legs lengthen and be thin..drop 35lbs and be beautiful and modelesque and my hair will be flouncy and curl and my skin will be perfect and everyone will love me and my life will be glorified all because I have control over myself and my body. And that is what I see in my head, if I just take control, but I know in reality that is not how it works at all and that starving is serious and it will hurt me and everyone else but I don't care and I do care and I don't know what to do.
I hate the feel of my body being there. It is very much here...in space..taking up space. I feel very inch of it. All the inches. The weight. I just want to be sucked in and tucked in and light.
Fuck I'm fat.
I will not eat.
I do not need food.
What I need is to edit my paper.
And that is what I am going to do.
I am in love with Emma Watson. We're about the same height. I want her body.
No comments:
Post a Comment