end of the day

So I didn't eat at work. Good for me. Hate working in a restaurant. Anyway got home and ate a whole bunch of strawberries...and I just couldn't resist (which is a lie I totally could resist. I choose to splurge and be fat and it is all my fault) I ate them with chocolate...not just chocolate but uhhhhh chocolate frosting. Bringing dinner to 411 calories. At least I'm under 1000. But tomorrow...tomorrow under 800. Hopefully. My boyfriend is coming over and we're bbqing together and going out to a movie. I'm sure I can just keep the eating to a minimum.

I wish I had gone away to college and lived in the dorms. I was looking back on all the times I've lived away from my parents and anorexia is sooo easy away from them. Art school, I lived off one 98 cal smoothie and 2 lollipops a day..so everyday was just over 300 cals. Then freshman year I'd eat 1 small chicken ceasar salad a day and do 2-a-days at the gym along with dance classes and martial arts lessons twice a week. I was beautiful. God I need to lose weight. Okay so I need to stop eating so I will distract myself with pictures. Real girl thinspo. Love it.

WTF Watermelon!

So I just learned (after eating watermelon) that 1 wedge, like 1/4 of a round slice of watermelon is 86calories!!! You have got to be kidding me!. Strawberries are better for you than watermelon. And here I eat the whole damn thing thinking oh it's just water really. Goddamnit. The only other thing I am allowed to eat today is 10 strawberries. Soooo thats

Breakfast: Oatmeal--- 130

Lunch: Watermelon---86x4=344 fucking calories

_______________________

474calories

And if......IF...I end up eating the strawberries that is only 514 calories.

Now...given what I weigh now...and all the fat on me 514 is an excellent number. But it makes me so sad because I used to subsist maybe on 70 cals a day. And it was so wonderful. The feeling. The power. The will to just survive without food. God it was so wonderful. But it has been a long time. And that was an old me. I don't want anorexia anymore, I want my boyfriend, and my cat, and enjoying my life...I want a glorified anorexia where I live off of a few strawberries that he feeds me, a martini with my girls, and a shared frozen yogurt that we eat together curled up on the couch. I want to magically grow 2 inches, have my legs lengthen and be thin..drop 35lbs and be beautiful and modelesque and my hair will be flouncy and curl and my skin will be perfect and everyone will love me and my life will be glorified all because I have control over myself and my body. And that is what I see in my head, if I just take control, but I know in reality that is not how it works at all and that starving is serious and it will hurt me and everyone else but I don't care and I do care and I don't know what to do.

I hate the feel of my body being there. It is very much here...in space..taking up space. I feel very inch of it. All the inches. The weight. I just want to be sucked in and tucked in and light.

Fuck I'm fat.

I will not eat.

I do not need food.

What I need is to edit my paper.

And that is what I am going to do.

I am in love with Emma Watson. We're about the same height. I want her body.