Today was owl.

Don't you just love turning nouns into adjectives! I am in loooooove with my linguistics class. Love it. Like super flipping out over this. So I've been reading up on what you're supposed to eat when you're training and I may have a problem with following SGD and training. I admit, best skinny little bitch you were in fact correct. So I'm still going to try and follow it as best I can but I'm trying to shift my focus into healthy eating and running. I'm really looking forward to getting in touch with my legs. That sounds weird, but it's true. I mean...if I do this and I start gaining weight I'll smack and bitch. But hopefully I'll keep my cals under 650 a day and be able to run. I'm really going to up the veggie and fruit intake. I'm looking to have a salad at least once a day with fruit and protein involved. There is the fat free raspberry dressing at school. I'm so down with that.

So today in my drawing class we had to model for each other. Am I really as fat as that girl made me. Like I'm self conscious enough already, did you really have to draw me that wide!

Ick. I do not want to talk about it.

So today was owl. Allow me to demonstrate:

That was fun wasn't it!

Um. God I feel disgusting. My oatmeal hasn't really been helping me. I think I'm going to try that yogi tea that is supposed to make you poo.

OMG TEA! I have a tea date with the hot dean tomorrow. He's so awesome. I love boy. I love boy with all my fingers and toes, but dean is a grown accomplished poet and he's just sooo intellectual and when he speaks oh god it hits you from the inside out and it ooooooo. So I ran into him thursday in the snow and he was like oo hi and gave me a hug and we confirmed our date and I'm so excited.

So I have tons and tons to do. I love homework. Don't you just feel so productive!

Loves loves.

my legs...my legs need to look like this!!!!

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Nicole- Hi Nicole! Good luck with the SGD. And I hope you're training goes well. We can compare over time...sorry...I'm always so competitive! :D

New Jewels

So today was a terrible. I ate...a cheeseburger and fries and 2 bowls of oatmeal...omg and ice cream. wtf happened. Boy came over and we just went out and had a wonderful day and we stopped for lunch and I ate half my cheeseburger and fries there and then we came home hours later and had the leftovers for dinner and I oh god I'm so ashamed. I have so much fun when I'm out with him but I know like I'm staring at my food like why am I eating this and I feel like such a failure. I was only supposed to eat 650 today and well...my best estimate is 1,586calories. I want to kill myself. So I'm going to do some homework and remain calm and just do my excercises and then get some rest because I have a long day and the important thing is to remain calm. Because I still have tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a much better day. Maybe I won't even eat. How fun would that be! I mean, class from 10-2:15 then 4:30-7 I can totally bypass food. Who needs it...not me. not at all. And I'm just going to keep repeating that to myself.

Lets look at the positive. Went shopping today. Got a cute new top with owls all over it. I may take a page Dani's book and show you a pick when I wear it tomorrow. Maybe if I start sharing pictures it'll be more motivation. I don't want you guys to see how fat I am. By the way...totally psyched to have new followers! Hi new people! Anyway so boy and I just spent the day together and I got some new underwear...5 for 25 at victoria secret. Boy is so hilarious I cannot stop laughing. Props to him to coming into the store with me. And I got two new rings and I'm in love with them so I want to show you.

I'd model the new underwear but that would just be embarrassing! Do you know that I can't spell embarrassing? Every time I have to spell check. Pretty sad. But I guess everyone has those words that just completely trip them up.

So I have a lot of actual homework to do but I'm really focused on this research I've got going on right now but I'm waiting on an important article being sent to me and it still hasn't arrived and I'm like bugging out because, well, I really need it. But I have been finding some new articles that just came out and I'm obsessing. I know I'm a dork but I just love research. Oh man.

I'm really excited to start running tuesday. I'm going to do tons of stretching tomorrow and then I'll wake up nice and early tuesday to go for a run. I'm aiming to just see how long it takes me to do 2 miles and to count how many times I stop. My goal is to run 3miles without a break by the end of next week so I can really get straight into my running plan. This is the best 85$ I've ever spent. I can't wait till I cross that finish line. I'm going to jump up and down.

Oh man. I wanted to be in bed in a hour so I'm going to head off. Everyone have a good day tomorrow!

I'M A RAINBOW!!!!

late update

Soooo work was fucking terrible. Just because the manager I cannot frickin stand was expo tonight and she is just so annoying. Everyone thinks so like she screams stupid shit in your face like "do you have hands?" (meaning can you run out food) and it's like no shit I have fucking hands I'm foodrunning. All I'm doing for the next 6 hours is picking up food, dropping it off, and going back and repeating the whole damn process. stupid. anyway...um...I ....I ate...like 10 french fries. I know. I KNOW! and then I came home and I had 3 chocolate chip cookies. so. I'm fat.

Food:

Dino nuggets: 422

bread: 100

french fries: 90

cookies: 160

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total intake: 772cals. Which means I'm THE fattest person on the planet. Trust me. My thighs right now. I keep digging my nails into them trying to rip the fat off. Hopefully I'll be on the mountain tomorrow so I'll burn major calories

Today's burned

6hours walking: 844

30min situps/1000crunches: 80

leg lifts: 64

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total burning: 988cals. .....I'm laying down right now to workout more. god fucking damnit.

as always I appreciate all your comments and support. bleh. have a better day than me everyone.

please let me get a new job

Sooooooo I woke up mad fuckin early today to go apply for jobs. First I went to bookstore1 and I met the manager and filled out the app and when I went to go hand it back in I couldn't find him and some other lady took it and that made me really mad because I like to talk to the manager. Bosses cant resist me. I ace interviews and I didn't get that chance so they better call. Then I went to bookstore 2 and the lady at the desk was really rude and was like "the application is online" and I was like oh gee thanks. So I filled that out and it took forever!!!!!! So I came home and I decided to save my gas and I'll apply to bookstore 1 location2 on monday when I'm at school near it. I really hope the call. I need a new job and I've always wanted to work there.

So I've eaten 522cals today and that's all I plan on eating. But I am foodrunning tonight so I'm going to bring some grapes with me just in case. Todays allowance is 650 and I intend to not even hit 600 soooooo yea. Oh and I'm down 1/2lb which is pretty good considering how goddamn period bloated I am.

So I'm exhausted but I have work to do and I just don't know where to start. You know when you have like 8 things to do and they're all equally important and it's just like ummm idk what to do so I'll blog. yea that's me right now.

Maybe I'll take a nap.

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Dani--I really need to start shopping at kohls..if you can look cute than i can too!!

Best Skinny Little Bitch-- I looked up the training schedule and it looks like another one I found so I'm going to go for it...but first I need to be able to run 2miles non-stop. That's goal 1 which I'd like to accomplish in 10days. I have 4 months to train so I hope I'm not being overconfident because I am a complete novice.

Danae---atkins..got it. thanks love. I let you know if I find anything

Ariana--what's "Cough"? And I love that picture :). I didn't know fruit was included. I figured veggies but ooh yay! I love fruit!

Joining SGD and ummm eh.

So I'm fat. You know how some days you really just feel it more than others? Well today I super feel it. Okay now this is weird..do you guys know what underboob is? Like that fat that some people have and its like right under where your bra cup is? Well I know I don't have it..I can physically l

ook in the mirror and pull my skin and there is nothing there but I swear to god I feel it there and it is driving me insane!!!!!!! And I look ridiculous because I keep touching my boobs every 5 seconds!

Anyway so work today was fucking pointless. I had 4 tables..made 34 dollars. Oh and really annoying! So I have this new class at school that I need to graduate and apparently in addition to class I have a mandatory attendence at 4-6pm on fridays. So that means I can't work on fridays anymore and basically I need a new job. So I'm headed out tomorrow morning to bother every book story

ever to see if I can get a job because I have 60 free hours but they don't line up with the shifts at the resturant. Anyway not too excited. I hate finding new jobs. Such a hassle.

I'm joining SGD 4 days late but that's okay. I'm just going to jump in. So today is day 5 and it's 450cals. I'm just going to post w

hat I eat and update throughout the day.

Food:

4 werthers : 115cals

bread +soup @ work: 100cals

5 potstickers: 225cals

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total intake 440cals

Soooooo I am super super excited. I have signed up to run a half marathon! I know. I have terrible knees and my legs are weak with my reoccuring shin splints but I'm excercising the front of my shins everyday and I'm going to start my running regimine on Tuesday. I like tuesdays. They're just nice days. So yea, the race is may1st and I have to do 13.1miles in 3h

ours 35mins or less. I'm really really looking forward to this. If anyone has any tips let me know.

Let's just do some thinspo because I am a fatty.

Whoa...those uploaded weird. oh well.

honesty

So Wren passed the Honest scrap award on to me sooooo I guess I have to think of 10things to say and be nice and honest about it. So here it goes:

1. When I was really really little my mom was like "You need to be potty trained" and I was like "not yet" and my mom was like "well when then will you be?" and I said "Christmas...I think on christmas I will be potty trained. Promise" and so I wore my diaper all the way up until Dec 24th and then game over. Christmas morning I woke up and poof...I was a potty using girl. I know..weird story.

2. My favorite animal is the panda bear. I have over 400hundred of them...stuffed, statues, snow globes, you name it I got it. And at one point all of these pandas were in my room. Also I, before I am 30 I will go to china for 2 week and I will work at one of the panda saving places and help save the pandas. True story. It will be done.

3. Throughout all of my 21 years there are only 2 things that I regret: 1. The way I lost my virginity. 16, back of a car, didn't really like him at all, I just wanted to do it, so I did...and then he was one of the biggest assholes I have ever met and well...I don't like that he is in my memory at all. 2. I let my first love convince me not to go study art in the south of france. I had dreamed of studying abroad and I am in love with france and I let him control me. Never ever again.

4. I honestly believe that no one likes me. I hate being in public and I am terrified of social situations but I force myself into them, but sometimes I will make up any excuse to not meet new people. I am scared shitless of social settings.

5. During the years that I was depressed and undiagnoised, I used to see people, I didn't even have to know you but I would take your image and in my head I would kill you, and your death was always brutal and wrong. And I didn't know why. I'm not a violent person and usually the person had never done anything to me, but it was the way my mind worked.

6. I am goddamn terrified of spiders. No. Stop. I don't want to talk about it saying the word typing the word is giving me a rapid heart.

7. Sorry I had to space down till I couldn't see the "s" word anymore..its freaking me out. Anyway. 7. I don't like vegetables. Nope. I force myself to eat them. I have only recently begun to eat lettuce and broccoli and even then they have to be drenched in dressing or cheese or pasta or something. I just don't like veggies. I'll eat any fruit (save that disgusting rotting meat smelling one).

8. I'm addicted to the following nerd things: pokemon games, dr. who, star trek, harry potter, star wars, history channel, and cheesy sci-fi movies.

9. I believe in science. But...I also believe in the old wives superstition that wearing a ring on your wedding ring finger will bring bad luck and you'll never marry. so I wear tons of rings but my left hand is always bare.

10. my biggest concern about graduate school is how I am going to take my cat with me. Especially if I move to a new country. It's terrifying. I can't leave her behind. I love her more than anything. Soooo yes. I can only go somewhere if she comes too.

And i guess I have to pick 5 people...so I'm going to go with the last 5 people to update their blogs...

1. Dani

2. Ariana

3. Chloe

4. Elara

5. Eager Enid

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Dani & Ariana-- I want to use my measuring tape but that's even scarier than the scale! I'm just afraid of my own body.

Snowblind

Wow the snow. I mean I missed my only class yesterday because school refused to close until after my class would have been over and now today a delay till 1pm. Geez. It's like white out..really really white outside. Cat went out because she's retarded and she tried to jump and THWAP! smack belly flop into a snow mound and disappeared. She was not very happy at all. But she's retarded and keeps meowing to go out again.

So I have no idea what I weigh and it is driving me insane. The scale is broken I don't know what the numbers mean. I know yesterday the numbers went down but I felt way to fat for that to be true and today I feel thinner but the number went up. It is fucking with my head and I don't like it but I can't afford to just go out buying scales and I don't know what to do. I do know I'm weighing at work tomorrow and I'm bloating and fucking huge and didn't lose this week because I'm lazy and a fatty fatty who eats and eats and that is embarrassing. I'm embarrassed to step on that scale. I want to be down 5lbs for the first february weigh in. That better happen.

Anyway, I have to go to school tonight and I'm scared shitless because I have to give out a story I wrote to my writing class and I've never done that ever ever ever before and it is terrifying. I've been editing it all week but I'm not satisfied. I am determined though and I have a shit ton of research writing to get done and I want to get my Edinburgh and Oxford applications in this weekend but I don't know if that will happen. Boy wants to go snowboarding sunday but I'm so poor I'm not sure I can. Can someone just please give me money. I'm a good person, I always help people, and I'm caring and loving. If I could afford gas to get to school it would be nice.

On the brightside I have rediscovered Raisin n Spice Oatmeal. Hello fiber. I love you. So yea, 150cals but I will be eating it everyday for breakfast! Yay breakfast!

So one day, when I'm all grown up and a successful world renowned research and married and a mom I want to look just like Angelina Jolie. She is so regal and just plain beautiful. And of course damn skinny.

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Ariana & Mich- You guys were totally right about the hotdogs...dude..turkey hot dogs..80cals. I could have done much worse on a binge.

Honor Regzig- you can slap me too, I never binge while I have my period, just the day before. At least I'm not alone on that one.

fuckin a man

Yea. Hi period. I hate you. Not as much as I hate the fucking period binge. Sure I want ice cream followed by hot dogs..why the fuck not goddamnit.

I will not eat while I do homework

I will not eat while I do my homework. I do not need to eat. I am not hungry. Not at all. Besides I've already had 690 today and well that is enough because thin is worth more so I'm not going to eat. Besides I have so much work that needs to get done! Chapter outline, finding my art supplies, 1 draft of a short story, I have like 10 poems to read and do some analyses on. That is so much you do not have time to eat. Eating is what fat people do. Are you fat. well. yes. yes you are but not at heart so you will not eat. Nope. Not at all. Food is gross anyway. What weird textures. And like seriously the after taste. Ew you'll just have to brush your teeth. Food is so nasty. I don't see why people even bother eating. Just give me a IV hooked up to banana bag. So much better than disgusting food.

Weight down 1/2lb. intake. 690. output. 779.