I love Red Heads

So I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I just went on lose it and put in everything I ate today and do you know what came out....518 motherfucking calories!!! wtf! how is that even possible. I'm having like a goddamn heart attack right now. Ugh

Breakfast: nutrigrain bar: 130
Lunch: 2/3c strawberries: 35
handful grapes: 41
1/2c raspberry: 32
small banana: 90
Dinner: venti skinny caramel macchiato: 190
________________________
total: 518 calories

You have got to be fucking kidding me. So glad I decided not to go make oatmeal or eggs. Good fucking lord I'm fat.

And then! So I'm in a dorm room right and I live with boys and the bathroom is small so I can't keep my scale in there I have to keep it in my room. But my room is carpeted. And scales and carpet do not go well together. I'm so disturbed by this. Like in one spot I weight 9st 13 and in another I weigh 10st 4 and I just keep moving it around the room stepping on and off and I just don't know what weight is the right weight! oh goddamnit this is frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!

My adventure into reapplying to more grad schools is not going well. No one is taking students. Like..not fair. I mean..I've had some bites but come on people..you know you want me. My CV is so impressive please take me on!!!!!!!

Anyway...over the summer I semi-perm dyed my hair red and it was supposed to wash out in 28 washes but it still has touches of strawberry in it and it's like 3 months later. But anyway, I went red because I am in love with this woman...



Karen Gillian is fantastic..love her.

Basically I love her because I envy her because I love this....



ooooo doctor take me with you! I would be such a good companion. I really would. I love adventure and I can totally be brave when I need to. Also I understand the rules of time travel like more than any normal person should.

Speaking of normal people..so last night..basically I'm lonely and desperate for friends and no one will talk to me so I made a last stitch effort and went to a science fiction club meeting and I mean everyone was really nice and seems really genuine and I'm prob going to go back but oh man...dork central. The real life Big bang theory is nothing like TV makes it out to be.

Anyway yes red heads..love them..will probably do it again over winter break. So yea. red head thinspo mmmmmm

Stuck in a Funk and Mad Thinspo

So...I'm homesick. Like...really fucking homesick. I mean, just because you move to a new country doesn't mean that you actually change. I'm still the same lame, self conscious, self destructive, sad, shy little girl incapable of making friends as I was back in the states. Idk, I just miss everything about home so much and now I'm stuck in a mood.

Anyway, finally bought a scale and had to learn that there are 14lbs in a stone. which means I've gain weight...but like...my shape hasnt changed too much...I suspect muscle growth in my legs may be behind part of the gain but either way who gives a fuck I've mapped out my meals and basically I'll be losing weight. Meals at home are as follows:
Breakfast-- either a blueberry muffin or oatmeal or a granola bar...all add up to be about 300 calories depending on the choice
Lunch- 3 types of fruit---maxes out at about 200 calories depending on the fruit involved
Dinner- brown rice and beans--about 400 calories if I eat all of it
______
total for each day maxes at 900 calories.

I know I'll bring that number down eventually but for now I'd like to keep everything under 1000...1000 is just such a large fucking number.

So if boy wants to move to the UK...like if I end up staying here for a doctorate program...we may have to get married...which is okay...not how I wanted to do it but as long as it's him it's alright by me..but yea...so that's some motivation for weight loss right now.

I don't even want to write..I'm in such a funk

Cue thinspo

The Return

Cheers from England! That's right...who moved to England? This fucking chick. Hells yea. Well not hell...it's fucking freezing here but whatever. Anyway, I know...absent much right. Well my blog wasn't working and I just got so mad at it and then ha...I stumbled across my own blog while searching for some thinspo and I inspired myself what can I say.

So...new...well...grad school in the UK. Yea I know, ballin'. But I'm massively homesick, miss boy like crazy, miss my kitty cat to no end, have like zero friends, and I'm stressed out with the mass amounts of work I'm doing. So what do we do when we're stressed? No..not eat...we DON'T eat! Yay. I mean the way I figure it I wake up at 9 go to the library till 9pm and that's basically my life. And there's no food allowed in the library so yea. And I happen to be piss poor so I can't afford to eat crazy shit...unfortunately that does not go for drinking but how am I supposed to say no when everything is fucking local and straight off the tap!

So I'm at one of the top universities in the world and have like so much reading to do I can't even quantify it so what have I been spending most of my time doing?....bingo..watching tv on my laptop. Now I started with the Big Bang Theory.

(best show ever)

You guys know this show? You should. It's the best show ever. Also it stirs up my secret desire to be a physicist and my secret resentment and not changing majors when I had the option. But soon I finished BBT so I've moved onto The O.C.

Oh hells fucking yea Seth Cohen.. btw..you guys know that I'm like distantly related to Peter Gallagher aka Sandy Cohen..true story...I remember my mom saying while watching While You Were Sleeping "man he's hot...too bad we're related" yea..how could that not stick in my head. Anyway..so I know the chick who plays Marissa is like massively fat now but in the show those two chicks are banging. Let's bask in their thinness....

That was nice. So yesterday I got locked in the park. Oh yea. Locked in. Apparently they lock the gates at 6:30 and I was walking back from class and I get to the end and this chick is there and I'm like..are we locked in? and thank god she was there because like I didn't have my mobile on me..anyway you can't jump the fence because apparently british people really hate it when people jump fences cuz all the fences are topped with barbed wire or spikes and its like seriously? I thought the middle ages ended ages ago...although you wouldn't know it from this town cuz some of the buildings are mad old.

So....like always..I'm fat. But...that will change. So I did use that OxyElite Pro shit..and it worked..lost 10lbs..awesome. So i'm starting it again tomorrow and putting myself on a max 1000cal limit...I know it's high but I walk like a minimum of 4 miles a day in just commuting and I'm joining crew and I've started running again. Also anytime I'm bored I do crunches...because I'm a fat fuck and need too.

So basically coming back to this blog was an excuse to unload some thinspo..so BAM

Life Smacked me in the face

Hi everyone...if you actually can read this. Let me explain my absense.

1. about 20% of me not writing is because life hit me hard and I have been so busy with school it's not even funny.

2. the other 80% is because I got so fucking pissed off at my blog being all stupid and not showing up on anyones feed and basically being useless.

Hmph.

Anyway...it's been a while and I'm sorry. Fortunately I'm still a fat fuck who has not lost any weight because for a brief moment in time I felt okay.

Then...

.

.

.

jiggling.

O. M. G.

I'm jiggling. Like jelly jigglers at a 5 year olds birthday party. And it is not okay.

In luei of this, tomorrow will be my first day on OxyElite Pro which is this crazy diet pill that everyone and their mother is raving about. Hopefully it will help.

So, training. Yeaaaaaa I just haven't had time. which makes me really sad. I run when I can but there is no way I'm be able to do the half marathon. I feel like a failure.

Violin is going okay. I can play mary had a little lamb...sorta...a little bit.

I got into grad school so woot woot on that one..still waiting to hear from the rest but at least I know I got in one place so I have somewhere to go.

Ummmmm... boy is excellent. we're still together and still poor.

What else what else....god my life is just boring. I've been so consumed with school it's just insane and I don't know what else I actually do.

I....i................O! I went to Cambridge MA for a conference and presented my research. That was fun. I've never been to Boston before. It was quite lovely. Yes. Quite.

Now...I have a question...let's stop for a second and look at this picture.

How the fuck is this girl balancing. I can't do that. I know because I've tried. And I fall every time. And if I do it on the scale the scale flops over and then I fall! wtf..can anyone do this?

Fuckin eh...2:30 and I have work in the morning.

Oh.

I still hate my miserable job.

Thinspo yo!